Two homos and a straight

Getting back into reading and now that my attention span has settled. It is amazing what bargains you can find on second hand book websites. I picked up this Kenneth Williams biography for the glorious amount of 1p it was just the postage that cost a few pound.

My obsession with the Carry on films continues and even more so with the life and works of one of its greatest stars. This is the third book I have read on Kenneth Williams and it was good to read about what those who were closest to him remember about his often misunderstood and complex character.

I certainly see familiar traits and peculiarities in his attributes. A comic actor playing to the audience but racked with self-doubt and over-riding depressive tendencies.

I would have loved to met KW and was sad to realise that at the time of his death in 1988 I was living in London and could have unknowingly crossed paths at one time.

I do watch a view “youtubers” some have been good and some have been dreadful. I think being honest and open about your life is an attractive thing. Someone who is living a lie and hiding who they truly are is an ugly trait.

Connor Franta has been open about his life and has released a book about his journey in the twenty two years he has been on this planet. At times he gives his opinion and how he sees life. He challenges the reader to live in the moment and enjoy the things that are around us.

Some could be cynical and say he is cashing in on his status or just releasing a book like everything other Youtuber. I for one am glad that he openness and honesty seems to be genuine and he is allowing himself to be role model for a digital generation that are ever more surrounded by social media pressures.

I picked up the last book that seemed to strike a chord with me at this moment. Someone who had documented and spoke about his depression and anxiety so candidly. It was good that an ordinary bloke had published a book on his perspective of why you should stay alive. The biggest killer of young men isn’t road accidents or cancer it’s suicide.

The book was easy to read and I would certainly recommend it to anyone who has had or is having problems with depression. Everyone is different and it’s about finding the right treatment for yourself. If it medication then that’s good. If it’s yoga and exercise like the author it’s whatever works for you.

The key about treating mental illness is that you do have the power and the right to find what keeps you alive.

Social Anxiety

I never used to suffer from anxiety until the mid-nineties when the ugly face of depression reared it’s head. I thought those who suffered were either attention-seekers or lunatics and sometimes both.

Reading comments and people’s opinions after the suicide of Robin Williams has made me realise that we still have a long way to go in educating people. One blogger even dared to suggest that we should actively stigmatise people who have committed suicide so it would be a deterrent to those who had contemplated such. In that case would shouldn’t show compassion and love to cancer sufferers who by their lifestyle had brought the disease on themselves.

Last night was a wake up call. I realisation. I can no longer function in group environments. You might think this is some sort of “love me” statement. It isn’t. I am just not the person I was 20 years ago. Yet some how people expect me to be.

I used to be the life and soul of the party. Not any more. Give me a glass of wine and my sofa. Keep me away from crowded places. I think this has been a mixture of getting old and not wanting to be amongst silly drunk people who don’t know how to go out without getting into an argument or a fight.

But it’s not confined just to pubs and busy bars. I really don’t like going to the cinema. I need to be at the end of the aisle in a church or anywhere where people gather.

So what should I do about this? Nothing. Not a thing. I am happy when I am at home or with just a handful of people. If you ask me to go out and party I will probably politely decline. My friends know this. Not that I hate you or I am being rude.

My name is Philip and I am social-phobic.