A long time ago

In my youth I felt god calling me to enter into some full time ministry of the church. The idea seemed nice to settle down in a sleepy village like St Mary Mead grow my teeth in buck-toothed fashion and be a vicar.

The issues that surround the ministry didn’t enter my mind. These similar issues of politics where also prevalent in the teaching profession. Dealing with the fallout of back biting, gossip and betrayal.

I didn’t enter the ministry and I left teaching nearly a decade ago. I am glad for both.

Reading an article in the Church Times today I was saddened saddened again that it’s writers still use language which can divide.

“As the first same-sex marriages loom…” This is it’s openly line. Loom? Like a spectre of darkness waiting in the wings ready to cover any unsuspecting victim that maybe unfortunate to be caught in it’s path.

I am not even going to read the rest. I will put a link to it at the bottom of this article so you can read for yourself.

Soon it will be time for the established church to decide on woman bishops. I wonder if there are any out there that this is “looming” upon? Will they see it in the same light as Same Sex Marriage? It is something that the church is careering towards without thought and process?

I won’t ever go back to teaching and I certainly won’t ever go back to being a full time member of the church. I just hope that in due course we can remember those who are looking in and seeing all the negativity.

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Miserable

Most people know I am miserable. I have been for decades. It’s a characteristic that will never go away. I also have a good sense of humour. Not just one of those ones were you quote Catherine Tate catchphrases in an attempt impress your friends. How very dare you?

Most people also know what makes me miserable. People who aren’t honest. Who cover themselves to try and disguise who they truly are. Talking to someone from social media this week. I had a late night discussion with someone to ask if they were truly being honest with themselves. Why cannot someone just come out and say if they are gay, straight or bi-sexual?

It’s when people use this as to get more discussion and attention from others. That’s when it’s wrong. I know there are loads of people out there who do it. So called celebrities have been doing it for years.

Crap

It’s that time of the year when everything is a bit shit. It’s so long away now for us to remember that Christmas and New Year festivities even happened. Plus the combination of mind-numbingly tedious television mixed with awful weather results in us all feeling low and miserable.

It’s not even exciting weather where we can all get either snowed under or burnt to a crisp. Just the eternal feeling of thinking we have pissed ourselves as everything is damp and wet.

Majority of people who set out goals and resolutions would have failed them by now as the reason why I never make them. But I am thinking about changing stuff. You know when you were a kid and on a Sunday afternoon you were bored so you moved the furniture around to make it seem like you had a bedroom. It’s that sort of change.

I am trying to work out what. Do I trying to loose weight? Drink less? Do more walking and photography? Move the furniture around in my house?

Maybe I will give it a week or so and mull it over. Then by the time I have for round to remembering that I was going to change the better weather will be here and I will be less frustrated with life.

Oh it’s a bit crap isn’t it?

Floods and the gays

It’s always a matter of time before someone pipes up and blames natural disasters on gay people and their wicked and dastardly ways. The UKIP councillor David Silvester is perfectly entitled to his opinions. I am also entitled to say that he is completely wrong.

One assumes that a god is ready to flood indiscriminately and even god-fearing people cannot escape because of a law that has been passed in parliament. Poor old Mrs Smith at number 32 had had her house flooded. She is a Christian who attends a weekly service; she gives to the poor and has a good heart. Surely god should have spared her in his pursuing of wrathful vengeance?

It is lunatics like Silvester that give Christianity and religion bad press in the eyes of the gay community. One assumes that places like Gran Canaria should have been wiped from the face of the earth by now.

Utter nonsensical garbage. It should be utterly condemned by all parties and politicians should remove themselves from speaking in such a way. It is for this very reason David Cameron was right in making sure that equality is for all.

Loss

Friends who have known me a long time would know what it was like when my father passed away in 1994. It doesn’t seem like it was twenty years ago this year. A mixture of disbelief and confusion was emotions that I can remember feeling at the time.

His death was a shock. He wasn’t suffering from an illness that was terminal. He had been to work the day before and nothing seemed to be untoward. His asthma though had been troubling him for years and really taken hold on the year that he passed.

He died of an asthma attack in the kitchen of the family home. It was early morning and he had been struggling to breathe. I called an ambulance as six month previously he had suffered an attack that had left him in intensive care for some time and then his continued recuperation in hospital.

This time no such period happened. He died within a matter of minutes in front of mum and myself. A stark and appalling thing to witness. Paramedics had laid him out on the bed ready for collection by the undertaker.

He would have been 77 today had he survived. Time is a healer of grief. It took years for me to talk about it without bursting into tears. But here I am twenty years later and I often ask myself what he would have thought about the world and things going on around him. He would have been miserable and cantankerous that I am sure. He wouldn’t have wanted anyone to make a fuss over him and would have hated any ceremony that had been dedicated solely for him.

A gentle remembrance now and again. A nod to his existence in the world is what I give him.