It’s an incredible year already.

Maybe I should allow AI to write this blog? I suppose no one will know the difference. Bland dull and robotic. And AI would be just be the same! Get it! Oh please yourself.

So I have managed to get a job. More details in about 10 months time once I have become part of the furniture and become miserable and disenfranchised like everyone else.

I am still in awe that I am here on earth, while others I have known sadly have passed. I have been to four funerals in the last 12 months all I need now is a wedding and I have the title of a quirky hilarious podcast about the pitfalls of everyday life as a middle-aged man navigating himself through various banal English life ceremonies.

My love life is so bad people have raised funds and bought it’s own personal defibrillator. I can’t see the founder is Christianity being able to Lazarus this part of my life.

Over the coming months I have the house to sort. Having burst pipes has lead the ceiling in the hallway needing repair. Funds have been lacking. So it’s going to be a long process of sorting things out in and outside the house. Garden looks like Pripyat. Without the deadly radiation.

Been going through stuff in the spare room which means sorting through decades of tapes, dvds and blu rays. Some of the music I used to listen to over thirty years ago hasn’t aged well. I dug out a cassette player and sat and listened to some screeching sounds. Turns out it was an artist I thought was good. She wasn’t.

I am hoping this is going to be a much better year than the last few. Hopefully by Christmas I will have many things fixed and repaired.


Involuntary celibate. Someone who is part of a community online believes they are unable to attract women. Hostile to those women who are sexually active.

I have been reading a lot about people who post this content on the internet. People who believe, in their own minds, they are not attractive to women.

When I was growing up there were the guys who always had girlfriends. They were the popular good looking guys everyone was envious of. It turns out they weren’t any better than the rest of us and didn’t have the long term capability of commitment. There were the guys who had little to no friends and then there were the ones like me stuck in the middle.

We learned how to take rejection and move on with life. Socially I was never a person who struggled to make friends or bond with others. I don’t have problems talking to anyone. When I was ten years old my teacher wrote “Philip is a chatterbox and messy” Nothing has changed in the 40 years.

What happened to this subsection of males to make them so hostile to women? It said in some of the articles I was reading that it’s the women who look for the perfect man and those who perceive themselves to look great. Perfect height, weight, teeth, hair and skin.

It’s the search for perfection that has lead to the perfect storm of mental health disorders which fuels men’s hatred towards women. The internet and dating apps has been blamed for the rise in the community know as incels who gather together in forums to talk about their common beliefs and their dislike for those women who are in their eyes “popular”.

Reading stories about the men who have gone on to commit mass murder of innocent people I am struck at the lack of compassion people to those guys in their early years. They cause irreparable damage to this minds who desperately crave love and acceptance.

I know the internet has fuelled these problems where online forums have validated men’s misogyny and hatred.

What is being addressed to counteract this ever growing mountain of poor mental health? NHS resources as we know have suffered years of cuts by a government uncaring to those who need it most.

You throw in the after effects of a global pandemic and you have cooked up a perfect storm of dysfunction and want.

Starting with compassion from everyone we need to treat each other kinder.

Christmas 2022

It’s another year and like I have said for the last thirty years christmas seems to come round quicker each year.

It’s been one of those years where you think you have seen everything but something unexpectedly slaps you in the face and you wonder where it came from.

Tired of the same hatred in the world. Intolerant people who demand we stop migrants, we close borders and kick up a fuss if someone else tries to take what we perceive we own.

Christmas is a time to remember those who are less fortunate. To give back to those who are struggling and unable to pay bills and provide for their families.

Even more so in 2022 we are all acutely aware of struggles with the cost of living. With prices of most goods increasing where wages have remained stagnant. People need compassion and to turn a blind eye isn’t the answer.

I know I have had some crap times over the last few years but I know I am in a situation more fortunate than a lot of people. I think of those who have dependants and know they are responsible for them.

Whatever you have done this Christmas I hope it was a good one.

Perfect body

Who thinks they have the perfect body? Have you ever met anyone who claims to have one?

I was walking through Chester-le-Street today and I saw a guy and thought “that guy has the perfect body why can’t mine be like that?”

Then I was thinking most people have one or lots of things they don’t like about themselves. Their nose, hair, eyes, lips, mouth and teeth. I could go on.

Then I thought to myself actually I would never ever date someone, who in my opinion, had the “perfect body” as quite frankly there is no such thing.

Perfection in our eyes is never achieved and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Then I thought again. People like all shapes sizes colours length size and height differences.

What actually makes a perfect body for a man? To me it’s broad shoulders and a decent ass. Others want perfect “Turkey teeth”. Some want great abs on a guy (I have abs it’s just unfortunate they are covered in fat) Abs are gross” recently a friend said to me.

Some men like women with huge knockers. I know a friend who prefers women with smaller boobs. There is the Kardashian line of women who who have teeny weeny waists and huge giant asses. For some god forsaken reason only known in the universal heterosexual world of madness.

I remember walking down the street with a friend once in London. I saw everyone staring as they walked past then I realised they weren’t looking at me but staring at him. He was the sort of guy who had stunningly good looks, dark complexion and about six foot one. The heads were turned when people saw him. Stomachs turned when they looked at me.

So I am trying to be more body positive. Not try to compare myself to the instagram models and those posts I envy.

It’s been difficult I can’t deny I spend a lot of time on Instagram and follow accounts of hot guys. I will try and be a bit more positive about myself and stop comparing. But it’s difficult isn’t it?


It’s hard to know where to start. I really don’t know. I have talked about mental health a lot on this blog and it seems that sometimes no one is listening.

What I mean by this is I am not complaining that people don’t read this blog they do. I am going through a tough period in my life. Sometimes the loneliness consumes me.

I am really having a tough time thinking about how I can enjoy life again. I know medication for the depression can only work to a certain extent. I have been through counselling and CBT and I am looking for ways to get my life back on track.

I have little interest in the things I used to enjoy. I still love music and films. I love my friends dearly, but there is something clearly wrong with how I see my life. At the moment I couldn’t care less about anything. I have a million and one things I have to do and action and to be really honest couldn’t give a fuck about them.

It seems I have a huge dose of indifference to everything. I don’t see worth or my esteem I don’t see myself wanting to actually participate in much.

The only thing I am good at the moment is eating unhealthy drinking too much and watching a film. It’s taken me months to even write this small pathetic blog post.

So what is the solution? I always say there is a way through things. It’s not easy and sometimes too don’t want to do the things that will slowly make you feel better again. If life was that simple we wouldn’t have a huge mental health crisis caused by the lockdowns world wide in the last two years.

But there always has been a huge problem with people’s mental health even before covid came along. I read only in the last week of two lads again that had gone missing and after extensive search their bodies found and what is the aftermath of more suicides.

Start by talking. Listening and try to put it place things that will help you recover. I am doing exactly this. Going out for a walk or getting that shower clean clothes when you feel like lying on your bed overthinking things again for the thousandth time.

Any suggestions please let me know what has helped you whether you think they might be good or not.

My friend Jacquie

Tomorrow I go to a funeral of my friend Jacquie. It’s not something I was thinking would happen for a very long time.

I first met Jacquie around about 1982/3 we were both part of a school club. I had joined it basically because you could get your lunch before everyone else then spend the rest of the dinner time inside a classroom.

It was run as a Christian club by a biology teacher called Dorothy Appleby and I didn’t mind all the bible stuff in fact after a while I eventually made a commitment and became a Christian.

Jacquie too was all part of this and eventually we joined a church youth group at the age of 14. It was one of the best things I ever did as I met all my friends who now have been in my life for the best part of nearly 40 years.

Weekends away summer camps going to parties where we would be drunk and having a good laugh. Jacquie had a wicked sense of humour and I remember laughing a lot with her. Sometimes in the most inappropriate times and places.

Eventually the years passed friends moved away and got married. Others went off to university and settled in those places. We all had jobs and various careers. In late twenties earlier thirties Jacquie myself with other friends would rent a cottage and spend a week creating some lovely memories.

Each year despite ourselves having lived in different towns we would still keep each other update via social media and never miss sending a Christmas card to each other. Until 2021.

Jacquie was an ardent critic of those who wouldn’t follow covid guidelines and ignore medical advice. It was something I admired greatly in her as it was her passion to help those in need in times when they needed medical professionals to diagnose accidents or health issues via her training and extensive knowledge of Radiography.

To hear she had been hospitalised and eventually moved to ICU because of complications of the covid virus came as a great shock and we were all hoping and some praying that she would pull through and eventually regained her health.

Jacquie eventually lost this fight on January 10th 2022.

I will miss Jacquie so much. Happy to know I have called her a friend and laughed so much it hurt. Rest in Peace.

Another neglected year – 2021

Sorry is word I am going to be using a lot. I am sorry I have neglected you blog. You have been there for me over the last 16 years and I have been increasingly distant over the last few years. I apologise.

Not only has my blog been neglected also my diary. It’s been 10 years since I have kept a diary and for the those who get to read it after I pass 2021 is very lean year. Other years do have nearly every page filled. 18 pages front and back.

So 2021 it’s been pretty shit for a lot of people. A good friend’s father who I also considered a friend passed away from cancer at the beginning of the year. A funeral with restrictions wasn’t fun.

It’s been good and shit for me. Actually most of its been shit. Maybe I should change the word I am using a lot from sorry to shit.

Being unemployed for a number of years caused it’s own problems that you can imagine when someone owns a house and genuinely needs to live. But the psaltery £73 quid the government gives evaporates in seconds when you have bills to pay and generally want to eat food.

The month of May provided me finally with employment working in a service department and two months later I was running said service department as a colleague walked out (to another job).

The following 3 months were just abysmal which ended me up and A&E getting my heart checked as it was going a tad too fast.

Covid vaccines done. Flu jabs done. Some streptococcal vaccine pneumonia type vaccine done and another in the series of testosterone injections done. I would make a joke about the ability to handle a numerous amount of pricks but that would be immature wouldn’t it?

Things started to quieten down and a new member of staff join my department so I wasn’t doing all the work. Some relief at least.

Piling on the months and weeks I eventually did my best not to catch covid but this plan finally defeated as November 15th 6am I tested positive various after realising I didn’t feel too well when I got up for work.

The car went to the big scrap heap in the sky in December. It’s going to be interesting getting to work on the bus each day. But I am sure I will get used to it.

Still single (mainly by choice) but always open to applications. Looking for – Male tall dark handsome and owns most of his own teeth.

Christmas is upon us again.Covid and it’s minions or should I say children still has its grip on most the world. Let’s hope 2022 is a better year for all of us apart from the anti-vaxxers.

So as Paul McCartney once sang “I light a candle to our love In love our problems disappear” I will light a candle to all the people who I love and blow out a one for those I am not so keen on.

Have you ever?

Have you ever wanted to take your own life? I have. I am not afraid or ashamed to say it. There shouldn’t be stigma attached to someone who is struggling with their mental health. But too often people are ready to judge rather than listen.

“What have you got to be depressed about?” When I told my mother in the 1990s that I got diagnosed with depression by a psychiatrist. It’s not the best or response of your own mother. I even had a member of my family make fun of me about a time when I was in utter pain.

I was reading about a local lad in Chester-le-Street that took his own life because he had witnessed a horrible trauma of his own mother being murdered by his father. Medicating himself to stop the anger is a way a lot of people do to mask the pain.

But who can we really turn to in that moment of crisis? Here’s my advice …

1. Always have a friend you can trust and go to even if it’s telling them your not feeling too good and they will check on you later

2. Keep phone numbers in your phone of contacts who are professionals. Even though I am doing really well at the moment I still keep them in my phone. People like Mind or Samaritans.

3. Be aware of the times when you feel low. For me it was always when I was tired, had a drink or late at night. Sometimes it was none of those and it just appeared out of nowhere.

4. Realise you aren’t your feelings. In other words how you feel now doesn’t define you as a person. You are loved. Even though you don’t feel it. Someone does care even though you think no one does.

5. Talk to people. Women do it well men are shit at it. Fuck that comment someone said to you about talking about your “feelings” it wasn’t being “a man”. Fuck them! It’s your life not theirs. It’s your health not theirs.

6. Go to things that help. Medicating yourself with booze fags or drugs is easy and a temporary fix. Talk to your doctor. Talk to someone about what they think you should do and own your health. You’re in charge. I love music, films, friends, photography on social media. I find pleasure in stuff I like.

7. Be yourself not your past – If you are struggling with past trauma, your sexuality, or something someone said or did. There’s help out there. Bottling it up might help it in short term but these things always come back to us. I have spoken to hundreds of guys over the years who are terrified of their own sexuality. I was like that when I was a teenager. Afraid of being who I was and thinking people will reject me. I had nasty comments before I came out by my mother and when I did come out she didn’t speak to me for 3 days. But after talking to her about it she realised I was the same person as I was before nothing had changed. If they don’t accept you it’s their problem not yours.

Anyway. I hope this is helpful. Share it with someone who you might be concerned about. Message me if you need to chat. I might not have all the answers. But I can point you in the right direction of someone who can.


We are in the the middle of another full lockdown. If you are like me was a little bemused by the tier system and think the government is in charge of a very sensitive seesaw. One slight movement sees the whole country moving one direction only for it to be tipped the opposite way a few moments later.

The first major lockdown came back in March 2020 I was at first a little nervous to leave the house to do some shopping after the first week as I had seen how brazen some people had been and seemed to be walking around my town like nothing had happened.

Throughout the lockdown and moving into regional tiers I have heard that advice from central Government had been, somewhat confusing. I will try and stay at home as much as possible, not mix with other households unless it’s with a support bubble and slather my hands with tonnes of hand sanitiser.

Of course in all time whether it is normal or not there will always be a contingency of stupid people.

I don’t know anyone who has had covid some I’m not bothered

It’s only fatal in 2% of cases

It’s all a plandemic

There has to be some responsibility taken not only by the people who make the decisions to contain the virus but those who flout laws governed to keep us from spreading Covid-19.

I have seen many instances of people not wearing masks in shops. Clearly they don’t have any visible reason not to wear them. Even if it was just one group of people to be broken up by the police because they decided to have a party with 30-40 other people this is one too many.

We also have heard stories of people of groups of people who have gathered for parties whether it be on boats or in small confided spaces underneath railway arches. It’s people’s sense of entitlement that annoys me “No one can tell me what to do” like a petulant child reprimanded by a step-parent.

Reports now coming in of other strains of Covid-19 which are more transmissible so much that they government in some areas are literally knocking on people’s front doors asking them to be tested.

One of the news items that concerned me that an organisation has been set to up help those men who regularly attend football matches and have contact with their friends in the stand. Sometimes it has been said that this is their own social contact they have each week. Men are feeling the strain of not being able to socialise as you can imagine the buzz of the football ground gives people a sense of belonging and being part of the community.

Being the most connected, in terms of technology more than at any other time as a human race a large percentage of people are feeling isolated and trapped.

I wonder if it’s time to look at our lives and how we communicate with each other. When I hear about vile abuse that some footballers or other personality has received on social media. Isn’t it time these companies tightened their rules?

What ever your story has been throughout this pandemic have we thought about how others might feel? Given time to listen to our friends or made sure of that someone who you know might be vulnerable has been spoken to to make sure they are okay.

2020 review – it’s been a bit shit

Despite having more time then ever I have neglected my diary at home but also this blog. This is the least amount of posts I have ever written on this site in a year a grand total of two.

January and February were two of the craziest months I have had in a long time. Last year I ditched dating but came crawling back to some apps with a vengeance. I thought to myself I will never actually meet anyone. No one thinks that I am sexy, smart, funny and witty.

I decide to turn up the “whore-bag” level to ten and see what life could throw at me. And boy it did. I met some nice people to have lunch with some were kind, some were okay and some decided after the second meeting to completely ghost me they disappeared out of my life without a single word; no apology or the pathetic excuse “it’s not you – it’s me”.

This happened not once, not twice, but thrice in ten months. If you want to start a conversion you damn well should be grown up enough to end one as well. That’s the one thing I certainly have learned this year men are pathetic at communicating feelings end emotions.

My favourite band, Pet Shop Boys, released a new album “Hotspot” and in my biased opinion is one of their best albums in the last 20 years. The opening song on the album ‘Will-o-the-Wisp’ takes the crown as my favourite song of the year second comes ‘Blinding Lights – The Weeknd’ a cracking tune.

Pet Shop Boys – Hotspot

The looming pandemic arrived and we were placed into lockdown. It amazed me how many elderly people weren’t taking it seriously at all and I saw a large number going about their business in Chester-le-Street like it was just an ordinary day. Like a lot of people I was worried about how it would affect my mental health and apart from being a little bit lonely now again I saw the bigger picture.

This symbol of hope this year. The rainbow stolen by the gays from the Christians only to be stolen by those clapping for the NHS.

My small supply of hand sanitiser soon ran out and I was left one day with hands that looked like had been run up and down on a cheese grater.

One of the benefits of being made to stay at home this year was having a stab at proper cooking. You know branching out from the microwave and creating something different using a recipe. Thanks to the 79 million cook books I inherited I turned to the internet and eventually mastered Yorkshire puddings. From a recipe by someone I follow on twitter.

I also had a bash at making my own soup as I was appalled at how tasteless some tinned soup I had consumed. Managed to cook a combination of onion and leek; ended cooking chicken soup.

This year around my birthday I turned 50. I kept saying to myself I can’t be 50 I was 18 two seconds ago and now I am 50? My body was telling my otherwise. Experiencing a heart attack a couple of years ago I am aware that I am not a teenager anymore and if I want to see another decade I need to do less of the booze more exercise. But I got it mixed up and did less exercise and did more booze. Even the warnings from County Durham’s twitter feed about the harm too much alcohol can do did nothing to dent the gin-soaked evenings.

Driving into Scotland on my 50th birthday.

Now I have started to have not just days but weeks abstinence. I joke that I am not 22 anymore and my body when getting out of bed reminds me each day.

I fixed the oven this year. Having zero confidence in my DIY skills as I decided that it wasn’t worth calling out a company at 80-100 quid just to come and look at it, kick it and to be told “It’s fucked.” I bought an element that needed replacing from eBay and struggled for two hours wrestling an oven and the most fucking fiddly connections But I won and the oven is now operational again.’

With all the crap that’s happened this year December proved to be an even shitter month. With my fridge freezer going to the big council landfill in the sky and the car throwing error codes left right and centre it’s been a time when things have not got been good. Friends family being ill with serious conditions just made 2020 a crap year.

So whatever you’re doing. Fat, thin, tall or small. Black, white, gay or bi. I hope this next year is decent for you. A happy and blessed 2021 !

the barefoot tree

Still grumpy

Gari Wellingham

UK-based musical theatre geek previously living with a brain tumour!