Two homos and a straight

Getting back into reading and now that my attention span has settled. It is amazing what bargains you can find on second hand book websites. I picked up this Kenneth Williams biography for the glorious amount of 1p it was just the postage that cost a few pound.

My obsession with the Carry on films continues and even more so with the life and works of one of its greatest stars. This is the third book I have read on Kenneth Williams and it was good to read about what those who were closest to him remember about his often misunderstood and complex character.

I certainly see familiar traits and peculiarities in his attributes. A comic actor playing to the audience but racked with self-doubt and over-riding depressive tendencies.

I would have loved to met KW and was sad to realise that at the time of his death in 1988 I was living in London and could have unknowingly crossed paths at one time.

I do watch a view “youtubers” some have been good and some have been dreadful. I think being honest and open about your life is an attractive thing. Someone who is living a lie and hiding who they truly are is an ugly trait.

Connor Franta has been open about his life and has released a book about his journey in the twenty two years he has been on this planet. At times he gives his opinion and how he sees life. He challenges the reader to live in the moment and enjoy the things that are around us.

Some could be cynical and say he is cashing in on his status or just releasing a book like everything other Youtuber. I for one am glad that he openness and honesty seems to be genuine and he is allowing himself to be role model for a digital generation that are ever more surrounded by social media pressures.

I picked up the last book that seemed to strike a chord with me at this moment. Someone who had documented and spoke about his depression and anxiety so candidly. It was good that an ordinary bloke had published a book on his perspective of why you should stay alive. The biggest killer of young men isn’t road accidents or cancer it’s suicide.

The book was easy to read and I would certainly recommend it to anyone who has had or is having problems with depression. Everyone is different and it’s about finding the right treatment for yourself. If it medication then that’s good. If it’s yoga and exercise like the author it’s whatever works for you.

The key about treating mental illness is that you do have the power and the right to find what keeps you alive.

6223

Imagine you have been dropped off at a party. You hadn’t been invited but you are told that you should go and make the most of it. You go in and people turn and look at you. It goes quiet for a while but then people get back to what they were doing before you walked in.

Some people are dancing others are drinking and talking to each other. After a while, you talk to others and things seem to a be a little more comfortable the longer you stay. They have explained why they are there. All seems to be going well.

Then you order a drink and you cannot taste it. You order another one from the bar and it again is without flavour and taste. Others ordering from that bar don’t seem to be having the same problem. Asking someone else they dismiss it and say there is nothing wrong with the drink and I should just enjoy yourself while you are here.

Walking back to the dance floor you notice that some people have stopped dancing. They have sat down. You go over to them and ask them if they are okay. They explain that they had been dancing and now all the fun seems to have stopped. They don’t even remember why they came to this place in the beginning.

Suddenly the lights that were once colourful and flashing turn to a greyish dull colour and the music to a monotonous buzz. Someone grabs you and tries to get you to dance. Point blankly you refuse. They insist and you try to move but it’s like walking through thick mud and all your movements are slow.

This isn’t turning out what you expected. Things have become awful to look at and you just sit down. You know the best thing to do is leave.

6223 suicides were reported in the UK 2013. 78% of these were male. It was reported today that this is the highest suicide rate this country has seen in over a decade. With the increased awareness of mental health issues, why is it that this rate is increasing?

I have heard it all before where people have been told to “pull yourself together”. You have nothing to be sad about. But time and again people aren’t understanding what mental health truly is. It’s not just that continuous feeling you get of being sad it’s much more than that. If your team loses you feel bad. After a few hours, you are upset. But try telling the true supporter it’s only a game right after they have lost. You wouldn’t think of doing it as you would try to be more sensitive.

As with the party so, many take the decision to leave life. The purpose, reason and joy of life have gone and all you are left with is the pain.

Social Anxiety

I never used to suffer from anxiety until the mid-nineties when the ugly face of depression reared it’s head. I thought those who suffered were either attention-seekers or lunatics and sometimes both.

Reading comments and people’s opinions after the suicide of Robin Williams has made me realise that we still have a long way to go in educating people. One blogger even dared to suggest that we should actively stigmatise people who have committed suicide so it would be a deterrent to those who had contemplated such. In that case would shouldn’t show compassion and love to cancer sufferers who by their lifestyle had brought the disease on themselves.

Last night was a wake up call. I realisation. I can no longer function in group environments. You might think this is some sort of “love me” statement. It isn’t. I am just not the person I was 20 years ago. Yet some how people expect me to be.

I used to be the life and soul of the party. Not any more. Give me a glass of wine and my sofa. Keep me away from crowded places. I think this has been a mixture of getting old and not wanting to be amongst silly drunk people who don’t know how to go out without getting into an argument or a fight.

But it’s not confined just to pubs and busy bars. I really don’t like going to the cinema. I need to be at the end of the aisle in a church or anywhere where people gather.

So what should I do about this? Nothing. Not a thing. I am happy when I am at home or with just a handful of people. If you ask me to go out and party I will probably politely decline. My friends know this. Not that I hate you or I am being rude.

My name is Philip and I am social-phobic.

Too much

So much is bandied about these days about people who say that they suffer from depression and anxiety. It almost seems inevitable that a well known celebrity will tearfully admit after an indiscretion has been unearthed that they blame it on their depression in a time when they said were to be “at their lowest”.

I have heard many ‘youtubers’ openly admit that when they were going through their teenage years they suffered from depression or self-harm in one for or another. Somehow that depression is miraculously cured and life to them is nothing but a rose garden.

I have the utmost respect for Stephen Fry who is open about his mental health issues. He seems to carry a mantel of hope and yet utter realism when it comes to coping with this disease.

At the moment I couldn’t care less if I lived or died. Some people haven’t the ability to comprehend the enormity and seriousness of the disease. Some see it just as an excuse to either whinge or be negative. All I ask is support. Someone wouldn’t openly criticise if another had been suffering from cancer or another serious disease.

Astounded

The world of the Internet can be a dreadful place. I stumbled across a posting on a Vine app. A place where people can post six second videos for others to view. This is where a person kisses another persons arm. Nothing out of the ordinary until to realise the context.

The person who was doing the kissing is a young man in America. He is famous in the world of YouTube and this app called Vine. He was meeting a number of his “followers” at a conference especially set up so fans can get to meet these sort of people.

The arm of the girl that he was kissing is scarred from her self-harming. The comments left on this video were “Oh he’s wonderful” “I have never cried so much” and “This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen”.

Never in my life have I been sickened by the lack of attachment to reality that some people have shown to this video. Some of the comments have left me speechless.

Self-harm and mental illness isn’t a phase or some sort of fashion statement. Using your illness or cutting yourself for what ever reason to get attention from those who consider themselves to be famous is utterly wrong.

I have been told by some on this site that expressing the opinion that I found this disturbing didn’t matter as I obviously hadn’t suffered like this girl had. Little to these people know about me and certainly about life.

Who is to blame? I am certainly looking for someone to give me answers to why so many seemed detached. Life isn’t all about being serious and not being able to enjoy yourself but when it drifts into the world of so-called celebrity worship and you start to allow this to take over yourself and health then there is something definitely wrong.

Miserable

Most people know I am miserable. I have been for decades. It’s a characteristic that will never go away. I also have a good sense of humour. Not just one of those ones were you quote Catherine Tate catchphrases in an attempt impress your friends. How very dare you?

Most people also know what makes me miserable. People who aren’t honest. Who cover themselves to try and disguise who they truly are. Talking to someone from social media this week. I had a late night discussion with someone to ask if they were truly being honest with themselves. Why cannot someone just come out and say if they are gay, straight or bi-sexual?

It’s when people use this as to get more discussion and attention from others. That’s when it’s wrong. I know there are loads of people out there who do it. So called celebrities have been doing it for years.

Sex

Most people who know me know that I love the “Carry on” films. Obsessed by the acquisition of sex leading to various double entendres. In an era when you really weren’t supposed to talk about sex it was a jokey subject that was supposed to titillate.

In the lead up to World AIDS Day there has a been a week of highlighting the need to be tested for HIV. If you are in a high risk group you should get tested regularly if you are having different partners. We have to talk about it and be open with others about the need to take seriously our sexual health.

I will say “our” as I have been tested twice as I felt it was important to know my own status. Burying your head in the sand doesn’t mean it will go away. If you feel you are mature enough to have sex in the first place that you should be to take your sexual health seriously.

The one of the last things I ever said to my year group before they all left school was remember sex isn’t love. Too many people think that just because someone is willing to sleep with you it automatically means that they love you. Yes sex is great but it is also has a powerful emotional side to it. Enjoyed better usually in a long term monogamous relationship.

So in the run up to World AIDS Day. Think, do I need to know my HIV status and could it possibly have changed in the past year?

Weather

Stephen Fry once describes being depressed as a rainy day that envelopes us and there doesn’t seem to be a way out or an end to the horrible feeling. For me, it is the bleakness and the loneliness that really seems to cover every part of my life. Spending time on the moors or on a hill in the middle of nowhere seems the only way I can describe it.

If it is the literal change in the weather that has caused my latest episode I am unsure. I am trying to find a trigger that may have caused it like so many people why they ask “Why what’s happened?”.