It’s hard to know where to start. I really don’t know. I have talked about mental health a lot on this blog and it seems that sometimes no one is listening.

What I mean by this is I am not complaining that people don’t read this blog they do. I am going through a tough period in my life. Sometimes the loneliness consumes me.

I am really having a tough time thinking about how I can enjoy life again. I know medication for the depression can only work to a certain extent. I have been through counselling and CBT and I am looking for ways to get my life back on track.

I have little interest in the things I used to enjoy. I still love music and films. I love my friends dearly, but there is something clearly wrong with how I see my life. At the moment I couldn’t care less about anything. I have a million and one things I have to do and action and to be really honest couldn’t give a fuck about them.

It seems I have a huge dose of indifference to everything. I don’t see worth or my esteem I don’t see myself wanting to actually participate in much.

The only thing I am good at the moment is eating unhealthy drinking too much and watching a film. It’s taken me months to even write this small pathetic blog post.

So what is the solution? I always say there is a way through things. It’s not easy and sometimes too don’t want to do the things that will slowly make you feel better again. If life was that simple we wouldn’t have a huge mental health crisis caused by the lockdowns world wide in the last two years.

But there always has been a huge problem with people’s mental health even before covid came along. I read only in the last week of two lads again that had gone missing and after extensive search their bodies found and what is the aftermath of more suicides.

Start by talking. Listening and try to put it place things that will help you recover. I am doing exactly this. Going out for a walk or getting that shower clean clothes when you feel like lying on your bed overthinking things again for the thousandth time.

Any suggestions please let me know what has helped you whether you think they might be good or not.

2 Replies to “Pain”

  1. In the words of Matthew Mcconaghey “Life is not easy! It never is, it never was and it never will be, do not fall into the trap (The entitlement trap) of feeling like your a victim, you are not! get over it and get on with it.

    I had a terrible year last year, my wife Lauryn suffered a miscarriage at 3 months pregnant, my mam is suffering with early onset dementia and both events happened in the space of 2 months still two issues I’m coming to terms with 12 months on. I lost my motivation to do literally anything! Exercise, see people and just look after myself in general. I felt like the victim.

    I stumbled across the above quote and thought the “get over it and get on with it” was a tad strong but really that’s all you can do! Life isn’t easy but bad times are replaced with good and bad is always lurking around the corner again when you least expect it and nobody is ever mentally prepared for it…… but then good times come again! FUCKING INFURIATING!!

    But now, I try to stop feeling like the victim in the bad times as best as I can and started to get on and do things gradually around January this year. I’m not 100% there and I’m not sure I’ll ever be but I’m trying and really that’s all you can do, I have found by doing the things I know are good for me it starts to becomes a habit and I stop thinking of the distractions that aren’t in my character and puts me back into low moods and thinking the worlds against me.

    Anyway I seen your post I hope your well Phil and this has helped me by writing it down and I apologise for my shit Grammar 😂

    Take care you big gay xx

    1. Thanks for the comment.

      I am really sorry to har about Lauryn and it will be extremely painful for you as a guy too. Obviously knowing all well what it was like to look after my mum who was diagnosed with dementia in 2010 it is an awful thing to have to experience and accept.

      I know that there are things that I have gone through but I have eventually come out the other side and things have got better. I have to keep that in mind and always in focus but sometimes you lose that and think that things will never get better.

      I hope you get some sort of peace this year and sending huge love to you you big hetero!


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the barefoot tree

Still grumpy

Gari Wellingham

UK-based musical theatre geek previously living with a brain tumour!

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