I despise myself

I hate the run-up to Christmas. It always reminds me of what I don’t have.

I mention the word Christmas in September on social media and I know it usually gets a collective ‘pffft’ of contempt. But there is a reason for mentioning it and I hate myself for doing it. But I am hurting.

Usually, it was a time for planning the run-up to the season for mum and me. I would buy discounted Christmas cards and each month think about what presents to buy to spread out the costs. In the last few years of mums life, this became more of a role I would fulfill entirely as she had lost the ability to write.

I miss my mother terribly. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. When you spent a good proportion of your life looking after someone there death leaves a gap that you try to fill. It will never work, as the only thing that mends it is having the person back with you.

So if I mention Christmas don’t get too angry with me it’s my nervousness and loss coming through. It get’s worse as Christmas draws near.

I deliberately made the title of this blog post a click-bate one. I wanted to see if this actually improves the number of people reading my blog. Just for another few posts, I will be writing titles that encourage people to be readers.

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the barefoot tree

Still grumpy

Gari Wellingham

UK-based musical theatre geek previously living with a brain tumour!

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