Giving up 

I am annoyed. I am not too sure if it’s about me or other people. I get annoyed when things don’t get done. Even though I am the king of procrastination. I think about certain things in life and I wonder if they can be different.

Let me give you an example. I look at all the things I would like to do in my garden or my house. I have this idea and that idea but somethings I don’t have the skill to do. Or even the confidence of giving  something a go. If I start something and I don’t complete it I feel a failure and don’t think I should have started it in the first place.

Surely someone who is knocking at the door of middle age shouldn’t have these insecurities as I get annoyed at younger people and think they are having a go at something and it’s not about the end product it’s good that you tried and experienced it.

I have never been afraid of trying some food I have tasted or ridden a rollercoaster that looks a little too scary. But when it comes to me trying to produce something I fall at the first hurdle. In fact I look at the hurdle and think I not good enough to attempt it.

As a teacher I was there to instill a sense of curiosity in pupils that makes them want to learn. You stimulate them to ask questions not about other peoples ideas and thoughts but looking at their own. What about me? What’s gone so badly wrong with myself? I am too afraid of being or perceived to be a failure?

I know completely my diploma a degree and my teacher was a great accomplishment. I know passing my driving test first time I was ecstatic. I know becoming head of year by the time I was 30 made me feel I couple accomplish anything as long as I worked hard enough I would achieve my goal. So it’s not as if I haven’t achieved things in the past.

So how do I move on in the future?

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the barefoot tree

Still grumpy

Gari Wellingham

UK-based musical theatre geek previously living with a brain tumour!

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