I am deliberately not putting this post on social media just because I am not doing too good. I don’t want to come across as a whinging old twat. So if you stumbled across this blog and cannot be bothered to read anymore then this is the time to go. If you are a regular and you like reading my blogs a) Because you are nosey b) because you think stuff that interesting c) just checking up on who he might be gunning for this week.

I am suffering from nightmares and mood swings at the moment. Hardly surprisingly really given the amount of crap I have been through over the past month. I was fine until I got into the house about half an hour ago. Then whack. Instant low mood. No reason no warning no trigger nothing. It’s getting really on my nerves (forgive me for the unintentional half-hearted pun).

I don’t want to keep going back to my friends and telling them I am feeling like shit. I don’t want to say anything on Facebook or twitter. So my blog readers are getting it instead. My friends will be exhausted I because I have bent their ears so many times over cups of tea. I am wanting to internalise things and keep them inside as I feel I am overusing people’s kind and generous spirits.

After five minutes of arriving back in the house I have a nose bleed. This means physically my body isn’t happy with me. The numskulls in my brain are trying their best to push any buttons or levers to see if they can get me out of this before I go any deeper. I can feel it hurting in my head.

So as I am typing this I feel a headache coming on. I will take a couple paracetamol and then it will go away. No pill for the grief but I do take stuff for mood swings. People who say they have mental illnesses and I mean serious mental ilnesses who have had to depend on some sort of medication, therapy or remedy haven’t suffered enough. Some might disagree with that and I know that one person I used to work with won’t speak to me now because he said he had depression but was posting photos of himself on camping trips on social media smiling and taking part in activities when he was signed off from work. He was one of the people who said he didn’t believe in medication.

I do. I come from a family where both parents had medical training. You got the injections you took the tablets you did what the doctor told you. No complaining about blood tests or having to take your medicine. Research companies that work for people with various illnesses don’t spend billions each year coming up with tablets that you refuse to take. You find out what is right for you and you move on. You do something about it.

It’s pissing me off thinking about being pissed off. There’s a quotation you can use when I am gone. “Philip was a lovely man but he got pissed off at being pissed off.” It’s a whole lot of piss.

Everything on the television is shit. The weather is shit. I feel sorry for those who are being flooded out constantly we can only blame the gays for it and not the climate we live in.

I watch people dragging their kids to and from school looking miserable. Once you have taken the Christmas decorations down your house looks like shit. Then you look at yourself in the mirror and you think to yourself I look shit as well as the house.

It almost feels at the moment that the sun never really seems to have risen and we have all moved to the north pole or some region where it’s dark all the time and pissy. Then before you know it when you have done putting out the rubbish in a stinky bin and done some washing that it has gone really dark. So dark that it is sucking the light from the bulbs in your house so you feel you need to put more lights on to compensate.

So what have we learned today boys and girls (recap for the Ofsted inspectors and not at any other time) well its  a mixture of pissy, shitty, moody miserableness. There’s a light sprinkling of mania and anxiety but I am not cooked all the way through.

Okay you can go now.

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the barefoot tree

Still grumpy

Gari Wellingham

UK-based musical theatre geek previously living with a brain tumour!

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